Where to begin, or better what to say?  I feel that in some way I censor things I want to say because I know that people do read this ((no you don’t you say shit and fuck and tits and cock and ass…)) but I mean my thoughts.  Right now I feel like the loneliest person in the world and that I can’t connect to anyone.

Not to mention the fact that I’m having difficulty trying to even concentrate and get my thoughts together for this entry that I thought I was going to be all balls to the walls to write.  And now only eighty three words into it, I’m starting to fucking pussy out.  Simply amazing, brava, dearie.

I’ve got the most amazing boyfriend ever.  He knows how to make me smile when I’m miserable, and how to make me laugh and all this great stuff, but I can’t seem to do the same for him, and it’s not his fault.  It’s my own for not knowing how to do it.  We had this talk over the weekend about how I need to figure out what I’m going to do to get over it, because I’ve somehow managed to make him feel like shit, which really bothers me.  I wasn’t aware that I could ever have that much of an impact on a person’s life.

Maybe my problem now is my inability to connect with anything at all.  I’m not fucking depressed either.  I’m eating fine, sleeping fine ((well, despite the fact that I have a racing mind that keeps me from falling asleep for a while)), and I even spent time with my family today.  It counts, even if I did just sit on the bed and multitask tv with internetting.  And I ate dinner with my family too.  Just like old times.  I even helped clean the kitchen afterwords with my brother, to which I got a thanks, some small gratifying notion of existence.

I got to catch the episode of Dexter I missed, which was pretty good.  I didn’t think he’d be able to kill a woman without flinching.  But he did, and I have to say, I was quite satisfied with his lack of hesitation.

My shrink wants me to pick a long term project.  I suggested making YouTube videos.  He pretty much said that that was a ‘toss away idea’ since ‘you can sit in front of a camera and make one in ten minutes.’  So I don’t exactly know what the fuck he wants me to do.  I’ve been telling him how my brain races and I can’t keep my focus on jack fucking shit, which he’s finally taken seriously, and so this week my mom gets to come in to talk about my possible ADD, but knowing that I’m her child it’s very likely that she won’t want to accept that. Whatever.  I’m pretty much at a point right now where I’d like to vanish into a mist.

I had some fun in Raleigh this weekend, but not as much as I probably could have.  Not that it really matters, because whining about it can’t change it and I can only learn from that experience to better my next one.  It wasn’t anything anyone in particular did, I was just in a mood, like usual.  A mood that I can’t control that comes and goes when it feels like and turns me into some whining sack of girl.

I’ve got another day of this before I see my boyfriend again, and a couple of friends.  I guess I’m excited but I can’t really tell right now.  I’m not really in the kind of mood to discern whether or not I’m enthoused about anything.  I’m starting to more and more doubt exactly what my purpose here is anyway, and I’m thinking about taking a nice vacation for myself ((as if I could afford one, so I guess I’ll just have to make due with my house)).

Yeah.  I feel like I’m one of those stupid bears from Build-a-Bear workshop that some stupid kid over stuffed and now my seams are popping.  So this is what it feels like, and I had forgotten all too soon.